thehorsefunder

A full chapter definitely required for this one. Just as with blacksmiths, no saddler has ever seen a horse which does not have an appalling saddle, and no saddler has ever not had the perfect solution to the appalling saddle in the back of his van (albeit with a bit of stuffing taken out/ added on here and there). For the THF – just understand that saddles are really important and really expensive, that horses change shape all the time, requiring constant refits and new saddles. Plus that there is a massive difference between a Gp, a dressage and a jumping saddle ( all of which are of course required). What remains beyond comprehension is how no one agrees on anything. However this does mean that alternatives are endless and that if the tack change option (see above ) does not work it is always worth trying a new saddle in case that can help the rider who cannot ride or control their horse do so. So often the pinching saddle prevents perfect riding – hence a new one is a perfect solution. Simples.

Where to start? To the THF these are the most utterly incomprehensible of creatures with an epithetical language and system all of their own. They appear to have the uncanny knack of being able to know exactly what score each horse and rider will get before it enters the arena, and regardless of how it performs, in a marvellously conventional way – behaving rather like shoals of sardines off Southern Africa who move in synchronised patterns which are unthinking yet protective. The result is that to the THF trying to work out what marks a movement will get and constantly hoping against hope that the funded’s marks will improve, the future always guarantees disappointment. The futile sense of optimism that this time the marks will improve and that just this once the Funded may beat the “name” who shied twice, cantered on the wrong leg and left the arena on the corner is always there and always dashed (another 62% – ” a little tense” – for the Funded playing the mandatory 70%). It isn’t that all judges are blind (though some appear to display that tendency) – they are just pre-conditioned and nervous to be out of step. Of course it isn’t really like that. It just seems to be so to the ignorant THF.

The first and most important rule is that feet are a disaster and you have to get on with your blacksmith however vague their sense of timing. The second is that all new blacksmiths take a long look at their new charges, stand back, take a deep breath and say ” who has been shoeing this horse – it is a disaster”. You soon realise that the feet are too long, flared, low heeled, long toed and generally bordering on the navicular or laminitic. Luckily for you they have arrived to put all right with a bit of remedial shoeing at a very reasonable cost. And so long as you are nice things will go well- at least until they lose interest. Nothing creates paranoia more than feet, so a good blacksmith is the THF’s best friend.

The one (well that is actually a lie but we can go with it) thing that a THF simply will never understand is the extraordinary variety of shoes. What used to be the lucky thing stuck on a stable door – where the only concern was that is was the right way up – is now a scientific exercise in variety. The lightweight shoe stuck on with glue to help a higher trot (no good in sticky mud), the plastic (no good in sticky mud) the filler (no good in sticky mud), the natural balance (I have no idea what that is but I suspect it is no good in sticky mud). All cost and all appear to disappoint – the consistent point is that they need frequent replacement – res ipsa loquitur

Since most THF’s are parents, a sympathetic ear is required. All factors affecting the THF are enhanced by parentood – an horrible combination of ignorance and ambition. There is also a wide but clearly identifiable variety –
Novice – Most THF’s start from a basic lack of knowledge or interest in horses. This makes them the perfect mark for the equestrian industry, especially if they are reasonably successful in their day job, and married to one of those described below. To those who come to it cold – the world is the oyster of whoever happens to be the lucky trainer/ yard owner etc of the offspring. And since the means of success are obscure, the tools required to achieve it are equally difficult to obtain. Thus the Novice THF is required to trust in the experts and engage in an extensive and expensive search for perfection over the limited period in which any child can make an impact. The fact that these parents are often captains of industry elsewhere makes their efforts similar to those who buy football clubs. An expensive hobby for the Novice, but a business for others – a business the Novice knows absolutely nothing about. The lessons taught about owning yachts and tearing up pound notes in a shower are the right ones.
Medium – a THF who once rode ponies and has a firm belief therefore that they have an unparalleled knowledge of the highest level of dressage. They usually work in pairs, with a Novice THF as husband and banker. They are also probably the most desperate for success and easiest to convince with method, new horses, tack, photographs, horseboxes etc etc (on the basis that ” a little knowledge….”). This is notwithstanding that most parents who have ridden never had anything like the accoutrements now considered essential for their child. The truth is that most hadn’t even heard of dressage until recently other than as a rather boring means of getting to the next phase of eventing or trying to teach a horse not to canter on the wrong leg. But what fashionable fun it now is – and so much less dangerous than having to watch the child enjoying itself on a cross country course.
Advanced – the “real” professional (often acting – but never seen – in pairs with a Novice), who fits in their charge between Grand Prix and the Sunshine Tour. Often to be seen by the ring like Grandes Dames bellowing out instructions so that everyone else knows how important and expert they are ( on the basis that the novice THF wouldn’t otherwise have a clue even if they were the Olympic champion), and surrounded by accolytes, wearing real sponsored horse kit and a flowing Barbour. Mandatory small dog (see below) in tow. The fact that they know (and probably train) half the judges is of course irrelevant.

For the Novice it is also important to understand some of the rules of going to a show. As the disinterested funder of a horse/pony you might expect occasionally to get acknowledged, spoken to or even thanked for attending. How stupid you are. First, if you do not turn up, there is clear evidence of child spousal neglect of an unparalleled and treacherous nature, for which the only compensation is more funding. If you do turn up, follow a few of the rules set out elsewhere. In particular –

1. Under no circumstances speak to the competitor before during or after a test – a sympathetic smile ( but absolutely not one which can be construed as indicating amusement at the wrongly inserted change) from a distance is all that is permitted. “How did it go?” is an obvious half volley for the spitting “How do you think – he was completely out of control”. Even for a 70% test (not that you would have spotted that anyway).
2. Do be available for purchases of food and drink, but do not expect to be asked to join in their consumption as the woes of the world are shared with other members of the inner circle (of which you are most definitely not one).

This one should be easy. At one level of course the easiest thing in the world is to buy a horse (conversely the most difficult is to sell one – something this THF has never known achieved). But buying the right one – there’s the rub. First rule is that any horse for sale is clearly not good enough (otherwise it would not be for sale). Second rule is that however well you vet it at least 50% will go permanently lame very quickly – at which point you will be told that everyone knew this one had been on the market for ages and that it had had suspensory/foot/back issues for years. Indeed didn’t you know it had been out of competition for a year? Third rule is watch out for auctions which to the lay observer are simply bizarre. Why anyone would buy a horse that has been ridden to extremes for a week before the sale at an age when elsewhere many haven’t even been broken seems frankly extraordinary – but we all fall for it (at least once), and what would we know anyway. As for recommendations from trainers, enough said.

There is of course a point at which you can either be lucky, or you have enough money to buy a guaranteed team horse/pony. Thus the sale of Totilas has limited risk (other than of egg on face – and lots of rather enjoyable schadenfreude) and great ponies simply stay on a team and tolerate successive riders rich enough to afford them. The alternative purist approach to buy young, break them yourself and wait is admirable and excellent, but for the THF somewhat frustrating and inevitably risky. Indeed it can be as expensive as you need to buy quantity to ensure surviving quality and they never get sold (as in ” this will be a great investment” – not!) The idea that any Funded will ever sell a horse they have bought at 1 and raised and broken themselves is simply laughable, if understandable. In a nutshell therefore, you are lost.