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The Horsebox (the language of loot)

6 May

You may think that the purpose of a horsebox is to move a horse from A to B in relative safety. Think again THF novice. Your horsebox shrieks ambition, money and exclusivity. From paintwork to pop-out, satellite dish to showers (horse and human). they are a deliberate and massive statement: from the “mine is bigger than yours”, through “I may be a rubbish rider but wouldn’t the team love travelling in this” to” if Daddy can afford this just think what sort of horse/pony he can buy me”.

The long suffering THF may well wonder why it isn’t better to spend a fraction of the price of a luxury ( and probably illegally over-weight) horsebox when he could afford to stay in a 5-star hotel near the venues. Confusion is compounded by the fact that hardly anyone who has a really expensive box actually ever stays in it (that is for the grooms). So we are back to the statement that the box makes and a few key rules if you want to progress –

  • A serious aspiring team member must have an appropriate box to help the team/selectors decide to select you.
  • You don’t need ludicrous picture and statements – sponsorship shows you can’t afford it yourself. The expensive horse box speaks for itself.
  • Make sure as a THF you cannot drive the horsebox ( however pricey). Experience suggests that an early scrape/crash avoids future calls on time (see also Reading Dressage Tests) and ideally can get you a permanent ban.
  • If you have to watch a dressage show make sure you have flexibility to arrive as the test begins and leave before the (inevitably delayed and disappointing) prize giving. The “just in time” approach works as well for dressage as distribution.

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Sportsmanship in Dressage (or any other equestrian activity)

29 Apr

Dressage is an essentially individual activity unsullied by the team ethic that infects such real sports as cricket and rugby. It really is every man/woman for him/herself. As a THF you can soon get into the swing of things where “good luck” means “hope that pheasant hops out at D again”, and “lovely new horse” means unprintable things about another THF. The sense of anticipation as a particular rival enters the arena in a high wind is especially acute, akin to the show jumping ring where “oh bad luck” signifies 3 fences down, a refusal and a merry jig behind the horse box. There are of course teams in dressage but, other than those put together through patronage etc for national/international purposes, these tend to be impervious circles of acolytes revolving round a rider and combining grooms, family (to the extent not watching TV at home) THF and other supporters, each circle oblivious to other revolving circles floating like schools of jelly fish around a show, intersecting only occasionally at the score board for the “oh well done” (for meaning see above). Dressage is of course intensely personal, and plays on the paranoia of participants who are constantly subject to the vagaries of horse behaviour, conditions and the extraordinary and incomprehensible vicissitudes of judges.

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Dressage – A Sport ?

23 Apr

Lesson 1. There comes a time when someone will try and persuade the long-suffering THF that Dressage is a sport. Be strong – they do not really mean it. Dressage is an opportunity to show off, to spend money and to network. I am not talking about the practice of High School which is of course unbelievably difficult, requiring years of genuine horsemanship, dedication and training. Though that is a noble combination of nurture, science and an art, it is absolutely not a sport. I am talking about what purports to be the level playing field of competitive dressage, where the rich man wins and the poor one loses unless they know a rich man ( who cannot ride). Where scores and success appear determined by name and fashion, trainer, contacts and patronage. Once you learn that almost all is pre-ordained and that you should not attempt to disturb the natural order, then will you achieve contentment at the ringside. Until then all is frustration and thwarted ambition. Think of it as ice dancing or synchronised swimming with cash and go to the “competition” with a drink, warm clothing and the true mind of a cynic and you will survive – you might even enjoy the show.

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The Essential THF

13 Apr

First, there are a number of key requirements for the true THF:

1.) No ability to ride

2.) Ability to listen sympathetically to hours of discussion regarding: laminitis (and feet generally), suspensory ligaments,split tendons, hollow backs and navicular; OR old (blind) judges, million pound German/Dutch imports;abusive/arrogant/overpriced trainers; even blinder and older judges; ridiculous claims that dressage is a sport.

3.) Inability to spot new arrivals in the yard when they are the same colour as the existing ones

4.) Ability to fund all essentials (spare horses, horseboxes,saddles,fields,trainers) whenever fashion changes, with an understanding approach and an open cheque book

5.) Ability to stand in the cold and provide “appropriate” supportive comments at all times (this is of course impossible except as a matter of simple and sympathetic agreement – see 1)

6.) There are a number of rules of engagement that all THF’s must follow and basic facts of life that they must understand.

These are many and varied but it is essential to comprehend them in order to avoid lunacy, depression and divorce.

Bankruptcy is regrettably inevitable.

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How to survive the world of Dressage (and related activity) – Observations from the Frozen Ringside

3 Apr

Much is written by and of equestrian dressage stars and wannabees. To the uninitiated a narcissistic vortex of media mash; to the cognoscenti an unending source of interest and inspiration. Much less however is heard of the (increasingly) poor “support” team, that has little interest in horses and none in dressage other than that acquired innocently and unexpectedly through marriage and blood ties. But without whom none of the first category would survive.

The Horse Funder knows his place and his role as deeply subordinated funder of first and last resort, required to have no opinion other than the right one (i.e. that of the Funded). There have of course been some bold THF’s who have expressed a personal and independent view. The silence and looks of disdain that follow such foolish outbursts ensure these are limited and that the true order of things is soon restored.

After 25 years of watching and listening it seems only right to set out a number of observations and some rules of the road. The focus is on the true novice THF, but there are useful digressions outlining steps towards higher levels of horse funding. I cannot hope to dissuade, but merely inform, the novice THF who may be setting out on a career of expense and disappointment with innocent optimism and an as yet undefiled cheque book.

So…..it is a truth universally acknowledged that a young female in possession of an averagely wealthy parent and an equestrian bent is in need of therapy. Unfortunately the world does not operate like that and what they get is a series of inescapable temptations and opportunities put in their way to satisfy their desires and deplete the family coffers. The most common amongst these are set out in these notes. Many have yet to be observed and categorised for they are legion. They will however be exposed…

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