Tag Archives: dressage comedy

Beware the friendly Adviser

1 Nov

The extraordinary level of jealousy, prurience and plain bitchiness which imbues the dressage world cannot help but amaze the Funder. The lengths to which “friendly” advisers will go to put down and undermine the funded, to their faces or behind their back are legion and bemusing.

Examples –

[to the Funded’s face, having just had unprecedented and unheard of success at a high level]

– “of course the judges in the non-international GP can never spot good riding/rider/horse anyway”

-” Who’d want to be judged by X anyway” [X being a former international rider list 1 judge who just happened to give the Funded a high mark]

[behind the back – but reported by another friendly adviser – of a funded who has just spent 10 years training a horse from 2 to GP!]

– ” she’s just a lady who lunches” [like there is any time for lunch]

All designed in a classic level of insecure bullying to reduce the self-esteem of the Funded, keep her in her place and stir noxious and debilitating rumour. Because the dressage world is so insecure, reliant as it is on whim, soundness, hierarchy and money, maintaining this insecurity suits those (nearly) at the top. Interestingly those who have really made it don’t seem to need this – some of them even talk to a Funder. It is the 2nd tier wannabees who haven’t and won’t make it to the top who really make trouble and make me sick.

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The International element

1 Sep

The best way to be considered truly excellent is to avoid competing in the UK (see also horses). Absence makes the reputation grow larger

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Stables/Yards (obsessive cleanliness)

1 Aug

Just as the military say ” if it moves salute it – if it doesn’t paint it white”, there is an unhealthy obsession with tidiness in the dressage world. This is seen not only in the primly painted approach to presenting horse and rider for competition, but most clearly in the paranoid supercleaning of the average yard, with highly paid trainers chasing behind horses with scoops to avoid any blemish in the sand. All rather bemusing to the novice THF.

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Tack (or pretty in pink)

10 Jul

Tack carries the same issues as method, a matter of expense and fashion. The fashion is both visual and technical, and ranges from bits that are full on Jaws with a mouth full of metal to alternatives which only Heath Robinson can have devised. Systems of levers and pulleys, with reins like spiders webs, appear to be the only option for some unruly beasts. Each of course is guaranteed (by experts – for which see below) to control the uncontrollable, gain instant and light engagement and be phenomenally exclusive and expensive. It is extraordinary that after centuries of riding and high school there are so many novel solutions to the age old problem of a rider being unable to control their horse. But there you go. I particularly admire the makers of bling tack (especially the Swarovski brow bands) which is increasingly de rigueur and without which it seems that you cannot compete as you are neither socially acceptable or even likely to get above 60%. At least that is what we are told as THF’s when the wallet is demanded again.

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Sportsmanship in Dressage (or any other equestrian activity)

29 Apr

Dressage is an essentially individual activity unsullied by the team ethic that infects such real sports as cricket and rugby. It really is every man/woman for him/herself. As a THF you can soon get into the swing of things where “good luck” means “hope that pheasant hops out at D again”, and “lovely new horse” means unprintable things about another THF. The sense of anticipation as a particular rival enters the arena in a high wind is especially acute, akin to the show jumping ring where “oh bad luck” signifies 3 fences down, a refusal and a merry jig behind the horse box. There are of course teams in dressage but, other than those put together through patronage etc for national/international purposes, these tend to be impervious circles of acolytes revolving round a rider and combining grooms, family (to the extent not watching TV at home) THF and other supporters, each circle oblivious to other revolving circles floating like schools of jelly fish around a show, intersecting only occasionally at the score board for the “oh well done” (for meaning see above). Dressage is of course intensely personal, and plays on the paranoia of participants who are constantly subject to the vagaries of horse behaviour, conditions and the extraordinary and incomprehensible vicissitudes of judges.

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Dressage – A Sport ?

23 Apr

Lesson 1. There comes a time when someone will try and persuade the long-suffering THF that Dressage is a sport. Be strong – they do not really mean it. Dressage is an opportunity to show off, to spend money and to network. I am not talking about the practice of High School which is of course unbelievably difficult, requiring years of genuine horsemanship, dedication and training. Though that is a noble combination of nurture, science and an art, it is absolutely not a sport. I am talking about what purports to be the level playing field of competitive dressage, where the rich man wins and the poor one loses unless they know a rich man ( who cannot ride). Where scores and success appear determined by name and fashion, trainer, contacts and patronage. Once you learn that almost all is pre-ordained and that you should not attempt to disturb the natural order, then will you achieve contentment at the ringside. Until then all is frustration and thwarted ambition. Think of it as ice dancing or synchronised swimming with cash and go to the “competition” with a drink, warm clothing and the true mind of a cynic and you will survive – you might even enjoy the show.

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How to survive the world of Dressage (and related activity) – Observations from the Frozen Ringside

3 Apr

Much is written by and of equestrian dressage stars and wannabees. To the uninitiated a narcissistic vortex of media mash; to the cognoscenti an unending source of interest and inspiration. Much less however is heard of the (increasingly) poor “support” team, that has little interest in horses and none in dressage other than that acquired innocently and unexpectedly through marriage and blood ties. But without whom none of the first category would survive.

The Horse Funder knows his place and his role as deeply subordinated funder of first and last resort, required to have no opinion other than the right one (i.e. that of the Funded). There have of course been some bold THF’s who have expressed a personal and independent view. The silence and looks of disdain that follow such foolish outbursts ensure these are limited and that the true order of things is soon restored.

After 25 years of watching and listening it seems only right to set out a number of observations and some rules of the road. The focus is on the true novice THF, but there are useful digressions outlining steps towards higher levels of horse funding. I cannot hope to dissuade, but merely inform, the novice THF who may be setting out on a career of expense and disappointment with innocent optimism and an as yet undefiled cheque book.

So…..it is a truth universally acknowledged that a young female in possession of an averagely wealthy parent and an equestrian bent is in need of therapy. Unfortunately the world does not operate like that and what they get is a series of inescapable temptations and opportunities put in their way to satisfy their desires and deplete the family coffers. The most common amongst these are set out in these notes. Many have yet to be observed and categorised for they are legion. They will however be exposed…

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