Tag Archives: funny horse stories

Success

1 Dec

There is no such thing as success in dressage, unless you ride Totilas, in which case just as you achieve it it is snatched away by someone richer than you. To the extent you achieve success on your own terms beware. A “successful” British rider is not quite good enough for the international circuit. A “successful” pony is an expensive old one which requires steering round the course by a rich young rider (to be handed on to the next in due course). A “successful” rider is a rich one training in the right yard with the right trainer and the right connections, with a flash Dutch/German horse recommended by the aforementioned trainer. A “successful” trainer sells a strange and usually foreign “method” , excluding all others and charging as much as possible whilst looking for the video and the next best thing.

True success of course is different and something the THF can only hope for in the Strictly synchronised swimming world of dressage. The personal satisfaction of training your difficult young horse to do the test; a place rosette; a happy and grateful child are not the stuff of true dressage, where patronage, backbiting and the following of rigid and fashionable form are the order of the day. Learn this quick and with cash you may truly find success as a THF.

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Beware the friendly Adviser

1 Nov

The extraordinary level of jealousy, prurience and plain bitchiness which imbues the dressage world cannot help but amaze the Funder. The lengths to which “friendly” advisers will go to put down and undermine the funded, to their faces or behind their back are legion and bemusing.

Examples –

[to the Funded’s face, having just had unprecedented and unheard of success at a high level]

– “of course the judges in the non-international GP can never spot good riding/rider/horse anyway”

-” Who’d want to be judged by X anyway” [X being a former international rider list 1 judge who just happened to give the Funded a high mark]

[behind the back – but reported by another friendly adviser – of a funded who has just spent 10 years training a horse from 2 to GP!]

– ” she’s just a lady who lunches” [like there is any time for lunch]

All designed in a classic level of insecure bullying to reduce the self-esteem of the Funded, keep her in her place and stir noxious and debilitating rumour. Because the dressage world is so insecure, reliant as it is on whim, soundness, hierarchy and money, maintaining this insecurity suits those (nearly) at the top. Interestingly those who have really made it don’t seem to need this – some of them even talk to a Funder. It is the 2nd tier wannabees who haven’t and won’t make it to the top who really make trouble and make me sick.

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The International element

1 Sep

The best way to be considered truly excellent is to avoid competing in the UK (see also horses). Absence makes the reputation grow larger

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Stables/Yards (obsessive cleanliness)

1 Aug

Just as the military say ” if it moves salute it – if it doesn’t paint it white”, there is an unhealthy obsession with tidiness in the dressage world. This is seen not only in the primly painted approach to presenting horse and rider for competition, but most clearly in the paranoid supercleaning of the average yard, with highly paid trainers chasing behind horses with scoops to avoid any blemish in the sand. All rather bemusing to the novice THF.

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Tack (or pretty in pink)

10 Jul

Tack carries the same issues as method, a matter of expense and fashion. The fashion is both visual and technical, and ranges from bits that are full on Jaws with a mouth full of metal to alternatives which only Heath Robinson can have devised. Systems of levers and pulleys, with reins like spiders webs, appear to be the only option for some unruly beasts. Each of course is guaranteed (by experts – for which see below) to control the uncontrollable, gain instant and light engagement and be phenomenally exclusive and expensive. It is extraordinary that after centuries of riding and high school there are so many novel solutions to the age old problem of a rider being unable to control their horse. But there you go. I particularly admire the makers of bling tack (especially the Swarovski brow bands) which is increasingly de rigueur and without which it seems that you cannot compete as you are neither socially acceptable or even likely to get above 60%. At least that is what we are told as THF’s when the wallet is demanded again.

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Dressage – A Sport ?

23 Apr

Lesson 1. There comes a time when someone will try and persuade the long-suffering THF that Dressage is a sport. Be strong – they do not really mean it. Dressage is an opportunity to show off, to spend money and to network. I am not talking about the practice of High School which is of course unbelievably difficult, requiring years of genuine horsemanship, dedication and training. Though that is a noble combination of nurture, science and an art, it is absolutely not a sport. I am talking about what purports to be the level playing field of competitive dressage, where the rich man wins and the poor one loses unless they know a rich man ( who cannot ride). Where scores and success appear determined by name and fashion, trainer, contacts and patronage. Once you learn that almost all is pre-ordained and that you should not attempt to disturb the natural order, then will you achieve contentment at the ringside. Until then all is frustration and thwarted ambition. Think of it as ice dancing or synchronised swimming with cash and go to the “competition” with a drink, warm clothing and the true mind of a cynic and you will survive – you might even enjoy the show.

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The Essential THF

13 Apr

First, there are a number of key requirements for the true THF:

1.) No ability to ride

2.) Ability to listen sympathetically to hours of discussion regarding: laminitis (and feet generally), suspensory ligaments,split tendons, hollow backs and navicular; OR old (blind) judges, million pound German/Dutch imports;abusive/arrogant/overpriced trainers; even blinder and older judges; ridiculous claims that dressage is a sport.

3.) Inability to spot new arrivals in the yard when they are the same colour as the existing ones

4.) Ability to fund all essentials (spare horses, horseboxes,saddles,fields,trainers) whenever fashion changes, with an understanding approach and an open cheque book

5.) Ability to stand in the cold and provide “appropriate” supportive comments at all times (this is of course impossible except as a matter of simple and sympathetic agreement – see 1)

6.) There are a number of rules of engagement that all THF’s must follow and basic facts of life that they must understand.

These are many and varied but it is essential to comprehend them in order to avoid lunacy, depression and divorce.

Bankruptcy is regrettably inevitable.

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