Tag Archives: horsebox

More Shoes

27 Dec

OMG. I thought that all that could have been said about shoes had been. How foolish a Funder!

Accepting that it is simply impossible to get shoeing right (and trust me the level of abject and desperate misery that shoeing can drive the Funded to knows no bounds), it is nonetheless wholly in the spirit of the shoemaker to Imelda Marco that I take my hat off to the latest fad of rubberised stick-ons. What could be better for a horse than no nails. Well, first they give all farriers another opportunity to suck their teeth and say that it is simply impossible to shoe X until they have had more growth and in the meantime a rubber stick on has to be the answer. If only the Funded had come to them first and not their competitor (the reason usually being of course the recommendation of a very important “name” or vet). So the conversation goes ” whoever did this cut off too much [hoof/heel/toe] and it is now too [long/short/low/high], and definitely not “balanced”]. Sadly without the new [very expensive] stick on shoe and lots of remediation this [very expensive] horse will suffer [immediate/lingering] death from [navicular/laminitis/pedal bone drop(whatever that is)/etc etc].

How fortunate it is that such a marvellous remedy can be applied. A phenomenon at half the price…………..until the wretched beast has the temerity to wear it in a [muddy] field, and off it comes.

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Dogs

1 Apr

As horses get bigger, dogs get smaller.

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Not for the faint-hearted

1 Mar

The art of dressage may appear to be a somewhat limp attempt at manly sport at first sight, with balletic terminology and bling obsessed accoutrements. And I guess it is a little less kamikaze than Eventing. However be under no illusions that the funded is safe (unless you really have spent a shed load on a bomb proof genius) in this activity. Horses and ponies are basically bonkers and regularly try to maim or murder those who spend their lives looking after them. Somewhat perverse but keep an eye on the following and keep a hotline to casualty. Never be taken in by –
“I’ll break it myself as no one else will understand it and they will only ruin it” brigade. This guarantees urgent calls at work from hospital or returning home to a regular stoic denial of pain as bruises break our following a buck/fall/kick. Funder should fork out for third party help.
“Stallions are so much more supple/active” – all the better to bite you and kick you (and anyone else in the vicinity). Funder should snip quick.
“Some of my best talent and sweetest stock have been chestnut mares”. Funder should remember that when the mare in question is standing stock still at a regional competition with her head to the heavens refusing to move and with torn tendons on the forearms, and embarrassed competitor spitting “good girl” out of the corner of her mouth.
“Shetlands are nice” – not technically a dressage point – but a lie all the same you must know as your funded gets dragged under a branch just high enough for the pony to get under and amply low enough to knock the head off the rider.
So basically you are paying loads of cash to hospitalise your family.

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Vets, homeopathy,light therapists and backmen

1 Feb

I put these 4 together, though they would never be seen in the same company til hell froze over. Each at some stage performs an invaluable function. The truth is that horses are so horribly designed that there is almost always something impenetrably wrong with them which means that desperation breeds a multiplicity of remedy and longed for comfort. Truth is that each occasionally work and so each keep a loyal following.

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Beware the friendly Adviser

1 Nov

The extraordinary level of jealousy, prurience and plain bitchiness which imbues the dressage world cannot help but amaze the Funder. The lengths to which “friendly” advisers will go to put down and undermine the funded, to their faces or behind their back are legion and bemusing.

Examples –

[to the Funded’s face, having just had unprecedented and unheard of success at a high level]

– “of course the judges in the non-international GP can never spot good riding/rider/horse anyway”

-” Who’d want to be judged by X anyway” [X being a former international rider list 1 judge who just happened to give the Funded a high mark]

[behind the back – but reported by another friendly adviser – of a funded who has just spent 10 years training a horse from 2 to GP!]

– ” she’s just a lady who lunches” [like there is any time for lunch]

All designed in a classic level of insecure bullying to reduce the self-esteem of the Funded, keep her in her place and stir noxious and debilitating rumour. Because the dressage world is so insecure, reliant as it is on whim, soundness, hierarchy and money, maintaining this insecurity suits those (nearly) at the top. Interestingly those who have really made it don’t seem to need this – some of them even talk to a Funder. It is the 2nd tier wannabees who haven’t and won’t make it to the top who really make trouble and make me sick.

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The Horsebox (the language of loot)

6 May

You may think that the purpose of a horsebox is to move a horse from A to B in relative safety. Think again THF novice. Your horsebox shrieks ambition, money and exclusivity. From paintwork to pop-out, satellite dish to showers (horse and human). they are a deliberate and massive statement: from the “mine is bigger than yours”, through “I may be a rubbish rider but wouldn’t the team love travelling in this” to” if Daddy can afford this just think what sort of horse/pony he can buy me”.

The long suffering THF may well wonder why it isn’t better to spend a fraction of the price of a luxury ( and probably illegally over-weight) horsebox when he could afford to stay in a 5-star hotel near the venues. Confusion is compounded by the fact that hardly anyone who has a really expensive box actually ever stays in it (that is for the grooms). So we are back to the statement that the box makes and a few key rules if you want to progress –

  • A serious aspiring team member must have an appropriate box to help the team/selectors decide to select you.
  • You don’t need ludicrous picture and statements – sponsorship shows you can’t afford it yourself. The expensive horse box speaks for itself.
  • Make sure as a THF you cannot drive the horsebox ( however pricey). Experience suggests that an early scrape/crash avoids future calls on time (see also Reading Dressage Tests) and ideally can get you a permanent ban.
  • If you have to watch a dressage show make sure you have flexibility to arrive as the test begins and leave before the (inevitably delayed and disappointing) prize giving. The “just in time” approach works as well for dressage as distribution.

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