Tag Archives: horses

Auctions

1 May

No thanks

Dogs

1 Apr

As horses get bigger, dogs get smaller.

Not for the faint-hearted

1 Mar

The art of dressage may appear to be a somewhat limp attempt at manly sport at first sight, with balletic terminology and bling obsessed accoutrements. And I guess it is a little less kamikaze than Eventing. However be under no illusions that the funded is safe (unless you really have spent a shed load on a bomb proof genius) in this activity. Horses and ponies are basically bonkers and regularly try to maim or murder those who spend their lives looking after them. Somewhat perverse but keep an eye on the following and keep a hotline to casualty. Never be taken in by –
“I’ll break it myself as no one else will understand it and they will only ruin it” brigade. This guarantees urgent calls at work from hospital or returning home to a regular stoic denial of pain as bruises break our following a buck/fall/kick. Funder should fork out for third party help.
“Stallions are so much more supple/active” – all the better to bite you and kick you (and anyone else in the vicinity). Funder should snip quick.
“Some of my best talent and sweetest stock have been chestnut mares”. Funder should remember that when the mare in question is standing stock still at a regional competition with her head to the heavens refusing to move and with torn tendons on the forearms, and embarrassed competitor spitting “good girl” out of the corner of her mouth.
“Shetlands are nice” – not technically a dressage point – but a lie all the same you must know as your funded gets dragged under a branch just high enough for the pony to get under and amply low enough to knock the head off the rider.
So basically you are paying loads of cash to hospitalise your family.

Vets, homeopathy,light therapists and backmen

1 Feb

I put these 4 together, though they would never be seen in the same company til hell froze over. Each at some stage performs an invaluable function. The truth is that horses are so horribly designed that there is almost always something impenetrably wrong with them which means that desperation breeds a multiplicity of remedy and longed for comfort. Truth is that each occasionally work and so each keep a loyal following.

Success

1 Dec

There is no such thing as success in dressage, unless you ride Totilas, in which case just as you achieve it it is snatched away by someone richer than you. To the extent you achieve success on your own terms beware. A “successful” British rider is not quite good enough for the international circuit. A “successful” pony is an expensive old one which requires steering round the course by a rich young rider (to be handed on to the next in due course). A “successful” rider is a rich one training in the right yard with the right trainer and the right connections, with a flash Dutch/German horse recommended by the aforementioned trainer. A “successful” trainer sells a strange and usually foreign “method” , excluding all others and charging as much as possible whilst looking for the video and the next best thing.

True success of course is different and something the THF can only hope for in the Strictly synchronised swimming world of dressage. The personal satisfaction of training your difficult young horse to do the test; a place rosette; a happy and grateful child are not the stuff of true dressage, where patronage, backbiting and the following of rigid and fashionable form are the order of the day. Learn this quick and with cash you may truly find success as a THF.

Tack (or pretty in pink)

10 Jul

Tack carries the same issues as method, a matter of expense and fashion. The fashion is both visual and technical, and ranges from bits that are full on Jaws with a mouth full of metal to alternatives which only Heath Robinson can have devised. Systems of levers and pulleys, with reins like spiders webs, appear to be the only option for some unruly beasts. Each of course is guaranteed (by experts – for which see below) to control the uncontrollable, gain instant and light engagement and be phenomenally exclusive and expensive. It is extraordinary that after centuries of riding and high school there are so many novel solutions to the age old problem of a rider being unable to control their horse. But there you go. I particularly admire the makers of bling tack (especially the Swarovski brow bands) which is increasingly de rigueur and without which it seems that you cannot compete as you are neither socially acceptable or even likely to get above 60%. At least that is what we are told as THF’s when the wallet is demanded again.

Method and Trainers

22 May

Think snake oil and travelling salesman and you won’t go far wrong. Whilst the exception may prove the rule, dressage method is a deliberately one size fits all attempt (usually successful at least for a fad period) to prey on the insecurity and wallets of those still convinced that dressage is a sport (thus thinking they may achieve success by actually riding better). Look for the book and the video and there is method not far behind.

The best methods which produce success are then declared cruel and foreign (in no particular order), normally in the promotion of another equally uniform and expensive method of the detractor ( with accompanying video and interview in the equestrian press). Thus rollkur goes from highly successful method of training champions to engage to cruel hyperflexion, by judicious use of video clips.

Horses are different and may even need special and individual treatment, and even the least observant THF can spot a method a mile off – especially when the cheques start flowing. Advice from an experienced THF – look for a trainer who actually seems to give a damn, doesn’t spend their time either on the mobile to a much more important client whilst teaching the Funded or (even worse) convincing the Funded :
that they are useless riders and/or
that their horse would be much better ridden by another client(or them) and/or
that the combination would be fantastic with the benefit of a lot more (expensive) lessons and/or
that the Funded would do much better on a horse that just happens to be in the nearby box at a bargain price (this is about the worst as the technique – but not usually the horse – often works)
A good and helpful, supportive trainer who cares is to the THF worth their weight in gold. More depression has been caused by trainers in dressage than almost any other field of human endeavour. The opportunities for undermining the confidence of those genuinely seeking help and support are legion and the temptation to be Svengali is often too strong to resist.

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